Lord of the Rings: Merlin Style
by Hibernian Princess
Summary: Merlin characters saying appropriate LotR quotes.  Maybe it's dumb, maybe it's hilarious, but it needed to be done.  K plus because I'm kind of paranoid.
1. The Fellowship of the Ring

**A/N: I now know the meaning of "plot bunnies." I absolutely HAD to combine my two greatest obsessions and write this. I don't care how dumb it is; I needed to get it out of my head. I'm gonna post new chapters with the TT and RotK quotes.**

**Sadly, I own neither **_**Merlin**_** nor **_**LotR**_**. Sad day.**

* * *

Merlin: Anyways, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission…quest…thing!

Arthur: That rules you out, Merlin.

* * *

Merlin: Nobody tosses a warlock!

* * *

Arthur: What's that?

Gwaine: That, my friend, is a pint.

Arthur (shocked): It comes in pints?...I'm getting one!

* * *

Arthur: You're late!

Merlin: A warlock is never late, Arthur Pendragon, nor is he early. He arrives exactly when he means to.

* * *

Gaius (while possessed by goblin): *sees gold*

My…precioussssssss…

* * *

Gaius (to Merlin): Fool of a warlock! Next time, throw yourself in and rid us of your stupidity.

* * *

Merlin (when Morgana and Arthur are flirting in S1E2): Watch who you're sweet-talking.

Gaius: Don't worry, Merlin. Morgana knows an idiot when she sees one.

Merlin:…Does she?

* * *

Merlin: Gaius, have you been having the tavern's old brew?  
Gaius: No *pause* Well, yes, but that's not the point…

* * *

**A/N: Well, hopefully that wasn't totally dumb...reviews are appreciated. :)**


	2. The Two Towers

**A/N: Okay, so here is part 2. Any insults towards characters are made in good humor. Enjoy. =) And…I own neither LotR nor Merlin. Although I wish I owned birth.**

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* * *

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Any villain: Stupid, fat warlock!

* * *

Merlin: Oh come on, we can take 'em.

Arthur: It's a long way down.

(pause)

Merlin: Toss me.

Arthur: What?

Merlin: I cannot jump the distance; you'll have to toss me!

(pause)

Merlin: Don't tell Morgana.

Arthur: Not a word.

* * *

Merlin: I think I made a mistake in leaving Ealdor, Gaius.

* * *

Merlin: What we need is a few good taters.

Arthur: What's 'taters,' precious, what's taters, eh?

Merlin: PO-TA-TOES! Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!.. (wistfully) Lovely big golden chips with a nice piece of fried fish…

* * *

Any villain: But the fat warlock…he knows! Eyes always watching!

* * *

Merlin: It's true you don't see many witches. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for warlocks.

Gaius (sotto voce): It's the neckerchiefs.

Merlin: And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no witches, and that magical children just spring out of holes in the ground! Which is, of course, ridiculous.

* * *

Arthur: Bring your pretty face to my sword!

* * *

Arthur: Morgana! Two already!

Morgana: I'm on seventeen!

Arthur: Huh? I'll have no woman outscoring me! *kills person*

Morgana: *kills another person* Nineteen!

* * *

Merlin: Arthur?

Arthur: What, _Mer_lin?

Merlin: I'm hungry.

* * *

Morgana: Final count, forty-two.  
Arthur: Forty-two? Oh, that's not bad for a _girl_. Hmph! I myself am sitting pretty on forty-THREE.  
Morgana: *sticks sword in knight lying by Arthur's feet* Forty-three.  
Arthur: He was already dead!  
Morgana: He was twitching.  
Arthur: He was _twitching_ because he's got my axe EMBEDDED IN HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM! *moves his sword and body twitches*

* * *

Arthur (to Morgana): That one counts as mine!

* * *

Merlin: Keep breathing. That's the key. _Breathe_.

* * *

(Gwen enters with nasty-looking stew)

Gwen: Merlin?

Merlin: N-no, I couldn't. I really couldn't.

(Gwen walks away from Merlin and towards Arthur)

Gwen: I made some stew. It isn't much, but it's hot.

(fills bowl and gives it to Arthur)

Arthur: Thank you.

(Arthur eats stew, looks at eagerly awaiting Gwen, and nods)

Arthur:…It's good.

Gwen (too excited; relieved):_ Really_?

**A/N: Yeah, I had to throw the last one in there...I laugh SOOOO hard every time I watch that part... :)**


	3. The Return of the King

**A/N: Final part. Hopefully this is epic-I had fun. :) So I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. XD**

**As usual, neither LotR nor Merlin are mine. Dratblangit. :P**

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* * *

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Arthur: He's suffered a defeat, yes, but... behind his walls, our enemy is regrouping.

Merlin: Let him stay there. Let him rot! Why should we care?

* * *

Arthur: It's the Pendragons that go swimming with with hot, sexy women.

[_he burps_]

Merlin: I feel something...a slight tingle in my fingers. I think it's affecting me.

Arthur: What did I say? He can't hold his liquor.

[_Arthur passes out_]

Merlin: [_to Morgana who is watching_] Game over.

* * *

Cedric (from S2E1): ...and take it for MEEEEEEE!

Cedric's Cohort: For us.

Cedric: Yes, we... we meant for us.

* * *

Uther: Never! Uther wouldn't hurt a fly!

(_swats fly and kills it_)

AAAHH!

* * *

Arthur: You fool. No man can kill me. Die now.

Morgause (_whipping off helmet_): I am no man!

* * *

(after Morgana kills a particularly vicious beast)

Arthur: That _still_ only counts as one.

* * *

Merlin: Certainty of death...small chance of success...what are we waiting for?

* * *

Arthur: Well, this is a thing unheard of. A manservant would go on a quest, when a prince dare not. Oh, I'd never hear the end of it.

* * *

Gaius: Of all the inquisitive warlocks, Merlin, you are the worst.


End file.
